* you’ve seen every episode at least 10 times.
* you can’t go a day without watching M*A*S*H.
* you make chopper noises in your sleep.
* you wear army fatigues and you’re not even in the army.
* you named your room “The Swamp”
* you refer to your dining room as the mess tent.
* you tell your kids there’s a mine field in the backyard.
* you plan a trip to Tokyo on your day off.
* you name your kids Trapper and Hawkeye.
* you start dreaming about it at night.
* at dinner, you request “2 units of liver and fish – STAT.”
* you pay $50 bucks to have your phone number changed so the last 4 numbers are “4077”
* you can’t look at nearby mountains without humming “Suicide is Painless” and waiting for the choppers to show up
* you’re at the hospital and you look for nurses named Margaret and doctors named Hawkeye
* the theme song brings a tear to your eye.
* you’re a man who walks around in a dress begging for a section eight and your not even in the army.
* you walk across the street wearing a red bathrobe looking for the showers.
* you wear a cowboy hat with your tuxedo
* you cry whenever you see the last episode of M*A*S*H and just wish it wouldn’t finish.
* every time you hear a helicopter you look to the sky and wonder why you don’t hear music.
* you ask the waitress where the men’s latrine is.
* when you hear the weatherman say the word “Radar” you quickly look at the TV and are disappointed to see the regular weatherman.
* you swear that martinis are your favorite drink …and you’ve never had one.
* you build a still from memory.
* you call your boss ‘colonel’ and salute him/her.
* you call your local pub ‘the officers club’.
* you order a jeep instead of a taxi.
* you expect the incoming bus to be full of wounded but is instead full of passengers.
* in a restaurant or at home, you want your meal served on a tray instead of plates.
* you answer phone calls with ‘4077th MASH’ instead of ‘Hello’.
* you smell all your food before you eat it.
* you install a loudspeaker in your home to communicate with the family.
* you yell, “mail call,” when the mail is delivered.
* when you sign your name in all capitals with asterisks between each letter.
* when you look at your husbands combat boots and they remind you of Hawkeye’s’
* when you sign your checks with Alan Alda or you sign your name as a person from the show.
* when you call the Operator and ask “Sparky” to place a stateside call and offer him a can of chipped beef if he’ll do it.
* when you have your own still in the living room
* when you say “Ahhh, Bach” whenever you hear classic music
* when everything seems to be “highly significant”
* when you see a horse and you wonder if her name is Sophie.
* you name your guinea-pigs Babbett,
* when you swear you say H.E. double toothpicks.
* when you walk into a bar and order a Grape Ne-Hi
* when your convinced suicide IS painless.
* when you start naming inanimate objects after characters.
* when someone makes a joke, you say that you’re not in the mood for “jocularity.”
* when your wardrobe consists of nothing but Hawaiian shirts.
* when you refer to your knife and fork as a scalpel and retractor.
* whenever you ask for time off work, you ask for a weekend pass in Tokyo.
* when you only feel comfortable making out in a supply room.
* you never stop bitching about the food whenever you’re at an all-you-can-eat-buffet.
* you talk about M*A*S*H in your sleep
* you order 3 cases of chocolate at the finest chocolate makers in Boston every Christmas, even though you don’t even live in Boston
* your children have to watch M*A*S*H as a part of their education
* you can’t sleep if you haven’t seen M*A*S*H that day
* you turn on the tv and you expect to see M*A*S*H on, no matter what time it is
* you expect everybody knows it and likes it
* you refuse to carry a gun, even if no-one expects you to do so
* you can’t make out without watching M*A*S*H
* you hang a sign on your door saying: ‘the swamp’ or ‘major M.Houlihan, knock before entering’
* you sleep with a teddybear, which you got from your brother, who was a boxboy in a supermarket.
* you are disappointed when you run into a priest that doesn’t box
* you refuse to wear your captain’s bars, even though you haven’t got any
* you complain about being drafted, even though you’re not in the army.
* you know the serial numbers of all the M*A*S*H characters by heart.
* you wear dogtags with your or a character’s name, rank, bloodgroup and serial number.
* your room is decorated with pictures from M*A*S*H.
* you pay a million bucks to have a Korean houseboy called Ho-Jon
* you drink 2 martini’s for breakfast
* you spend the last half-hour making up dumb obsessions for the M*A*S*H-homepage
* you refuse to respond to anything but Hawkeye or Hot Lips
* you take cold showers for the fun of it
* you call the bar tender Rosie
* you call your waiter Igor
* you call every receptionist Radar or Klinger
* you wear combat boots with everything you own and you wear them wherever you go
* you have a tower of tongue depressors on display in your living room
* you have sock puppets that look like all the characters
* if, to punish your children, instead of sending them to their room, you ‘confine them to quarters.’
* when you pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
* instead of quitting your job, you say you resign your commission.
* if you record the episodes on audio tape and play them in the car while driving.
* when you swear you have an imaginary friend named “Tuttle”
* you have a rack of spam for every easter.
* when you call all the people you don’t like “Ferret-Face”.
* When you put your clothes in a footlocker at the bottom of your bed instead of in the dresser.
* when you set up a tent in your bedroom equipped with cots, a still and a few roommates and call it the swamp.
* why you keep wondering if your money is counterfeit because it green and not red.
* you wear fishing lures on every hat you own.
* you brush your teeth with water you pour into a helmet.
* instead of taking the promotion at work from bag boy to Manager, you tell your boss, “just promote me to Corporal Captain, and we’ll call it even.”
* you’re fired at air traffic control for re-routing all planes because of sightings of a large bird with pink feet in the area.
* If you call your mom ‘Hotlips’ and your father ‘Frank’
* when you are sleep-deprived from staying up until 1am every night just to see an episode you’ve already seen 5 times.
* you look to buy stock in a company called ‘Pioneer Aviation’
* while ordering breakfast at the local diner you say, ‘I’ll have two
* scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of WW2 surplus bread, and don’t make it tasty.’
* you no longer watch tv since your station stopped showing M*A*S*H
* you practice putting in your quarters
* you cringe when you hear the name Frank
* you eat SPAM even though you don’t like it and aren’t forced to eat it
* for Halloween you are either Super Man or a clown
* if no matter who you’re writing to, your letters all begin with “Dear Sigmund”.
* you know you’re obsessed when you spend your vacation watching your uncles MASH videos because you don’t have a station near your house that carries it.
* you yell “incoming” when your mother-in-law comes to visit
* your ultimate dream is to be able to turn on the t.v. at anytime and have a M*A*S*H episode be on.
* if you had enough money, you would buy a t.v. station and create the
M*A*S*H channel, all M*A*S*H, all the time.
* When you begin to call your friends “B.J.”, “Trapper”, “Radar”, or “Margaret”.
* you holler at the waiter for telling you the day’s specials are liver and fish
* you dress in Army green pants and either a Hawaiian shirt or kaki T-shirt everyday
* your last wish is to be buried with a copy of GFA
* you’ll do anything to see a movie called “The Moon is Blue”
* you’ll only eat if the recipe came from “Secrets of the M*A*S*H Mess”
* When you begin to refer to you parents as “Colonel Father, sir” and “Major Mom, ma’am”.
* if you know a five letter Yiddish word for bedbug.
* when you see a sign that says “Speed checked by radar” and you start looking for a short guy wearing glasses….
* when you haven’t left your seat for a couple weeks because you keep watching MASH videos
* when you use bedpans instead of toilets in your house
* when you download every MASH sound off of the internet
* when you insist on using your brother Wendal’s birth certificate to get drafted
* when you have sex in liver and onions
* when you have a servant that you insist on calling Young-Hi
* when you mail a jeep piece by piece to anywhere in the world
* You went out and bought a copy of ‘The Last of the Mohicans’ just to add to your MASH related video(or book) collection.
* you let your son name his ferret Frank.
* you actually sat and watched EVERY episode of MASH in order from start to finish in a single sitting.
* whenever you hear the term “chief surgeon” or “head nurse”, you immediately think of Hawkeye or Margaret
* when you dig foxholes in your yard in case of an air-raid
* when the sound of a sputtering airplane scares you because you think it’s 5 o’clock Charlie
* if you actually made it to the end of this list….
Thanks to Casey for getting the ball rolling and all the people who have sent in suggestions
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